I want to be your person
by JoJo1001
Summary: This is my take on the latest episode. It's Danny and Lindsay because I loved the episode, I feel like maybe the writers aren't trying to crush us. Please read and review...
1. Chapter 1

Ok so there are probably going to be tons of DL stories after last nights episode but I had to try one too. It gave me a spark of hope that the writers aren't completely insane. I don't know how most people will take this but it's probably better than the story I wrote before the episode where Danny and Rikki both end up dead, I erased that one without publishing my kill Danny muse died after the touching scenes. Anyway I don't own CSI or Danny and Lindsay and for now this is just a one shot but let me know if you think I should continue.

"Shit." Danny whispered wiping the stray tears from his eyes and walking to the door praying it was Lindsay, that she'd changed her mind and wanted to talk. "Hey." He said swallowing hard seeing her standing in front of his door dripping wet and shivering. "Come in." He said and she nodded still not sure what to say or do noting that he looked like he'd been crying. "Ya freezing." He said fighting the urge to reach up and cup her cheek, just to touch her again.

"Yeah." She said nodding and closing her eyes. "Can I borrow a shirt?" She asked cold and rain seeped through her coat and clothes making her feel the chill bone deep.

"Yeah yeah." He said walking into his bedroom and flipping on the light relieved that maybe she intended to stay. He opened the drawer with his tee shirts and she nodded pulling off her wet trench smiling lightly as he took it from her. He walked into the living room to give her privacy and hung her wet coat up before plopping down on the couch in the mostly dark room. He didn't know what to say, part of him never wanted her to know about what happened with Rikki but the other part of him felt like it would haunt him if he didn't tell her. He closed his eyes laying his head back guilt and pain from both his betrayal and the loss of Ruben weighing so heavy on him that he felt sick. This was how he'd felt for weeks now, unworthy of life and so damn guilty that he could barely function. He knew he'd been lucky that Mac was giving him a break at work because his mind wasn't in it, wasn't on anything except regrets. He had enough regrets to fill a lifetime and part of him wondered if maybe this was gods way of punishing him, that he didn't deserve Lindsay. He'd been drinking the night they had sex, the details were blurry except for both of their tears. When he'd gotten up in the morning he'd almost felt better for a second, felt like maybe he could take away some of her pain but then Lindsay had called. Guilt and shame had hit him full force but he'd let himself get frustrated with her, felt like she thought she knew how to make him feel better when he couldn't figure it out himself. So he'd lied to her, then he'd kissed Rikki, convinced her to stay for another round trying to push Lindsay out of his mind. He'd stopped, they hadn't gone much farther than kissing before Lindsay's heart broken face overwhelmed him but the damage was done. Rikki agreed that it was a mistake, she promised him that it was forgotten, that she understood but he felt bad for using her. He'd told himself that it was to make her feel better but he'd been trying to forget some of his guilt, to forget and instead ended up taking the chance that he'd lose the most important part of his life. Ruben trusted him too and he'd never get the picture of his friend laying cold and lifeless on the morgue slab. He tried to hide how much even walking into the morgue affected him now but he broke out into a sweat and the first time he'd gone in he'd had to leave to go throw up. "God." He whispered taking a deep breath fighting his emotions not wanting to lose control.

"Danny." She whispered seeing him struggling as he laid with his eyes closed and head back.

"Yeah." He said shaking his head and forcing a smile.

"Don't." She said shaking her head and moving forward to straddle his lap holding his face so that he had to look at her. "Don't lie." She whispered eyes bright with tears.

"I'm sorry." He whispered clenching his jaw wanting so badly to pull away, to get some space to get himself together first before they talked.

"I can't keep investing in this if you can't trust me." She whispered resting her forehead against his. "You think I don't know you hurt?" She asked feeling his fingers sinking into her hips and holding her. "I hurt for you Danny, I know how bad that feels and it can't compare to what you're feeling. Trust me that when I went through my friends being murdered I did some crazy stuff, I pushed people away all my life until you. I tried to push you away but you were the only person to ever push back." She said heart racing.

"I'm sorry."

"I know." She said nodding sighing gently. "Danny I know you are." She whispered cupping his face and meeting his intense blue gaze. "Stop feeling guilty please." She whispered hoping she was doing the right thing. "I know." She said pain gripping her. "I know that you did some things you're ashamed of." She said blinking back tears as he closed his eyes letting her know that she was on the right track. "We have to move past this, I'm prepared to move forward and I have to know if you willing to do that with me, if not I need you to let me go." She whispered losing the battle as several tears slid down her cheeks.

"I want to, I want to be wit ya." He said eyes bright with tears. "I fucked up, so much but baby I love you."

"I have to know if you're sure about us." She whispered voice barely above a whisper as she struggled not to sob.

"I am, I didn't know how sure I was I admit dat." He said nodding slightly. "Linds I don't wanna be without ya, I need you." He said eyes shining with sincerity. "I'm positive and I won't push ya or hurt ya again I swear to God."

"This isn't a get out of jail free card Messer." She said forcing a smile. "I am the only woman in your life, in your bed." She said softly. "Don't hurt me again."

"I won't." He said sniffling. "I needed ya." He admitted. "I feel so guilty, I can't get past it." He said laying his head back. "I thought for a while I was fine, dat I didn't need anyone or their pity but I wasn't fine. I don't think I'm fine now."

"There is no quick fix, you just go day to day." She said scooting closer to his warm body and laying her head on his strong chest sighing as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer and resting his head in her neck.

"I missed ya so bad." He whispered inhaling the scent of her hair and closing his eyes feeling more at peace than he'd felt since Ruben died.

"I missed you too." She whispered feeling his heart beating against hers as they clung to each other. She wanted to ask him, wanted to know about the woman but didn't really feel like she had a right. She wanted to move forward and did understand looking for comfort. She'd searched for it without finding it for years and had been lucky that she'd come out as unscathed as she had. She wanted him to trust her and for him to do that they had to start fresh, with a clean slate and she'd never had any reason not to trust him before. She was hurt that he couldn't come to her but could understand a little bit of why. She'd been so angry as a teenager, people kept trying to make her feel better, they'd say they were sorry and act like they knew how she felt and she'd run from them. Part of her didn't want their sympathy, didn't want to feel less guilty, if she felt less guilty she'd have nothing left. "When I was 16 I got arrested for being drunk with this loser on a bridge, public intoxication." She whispered closing her eyes. "When my mom picked me up she was disappointed, so disappointed. She asked me why I was with this guy, what was I looking for." She whispered hot tears leaking out onto his shoulder. "I told her I just wanted someone who understood, someone that didn't judge me or feel sorry for me. She said I didn't have to leave home to find someone, that she was there and she didn't know what to say, didn't know how to heal me but that she loved me, that loving me had to be enough." She whispered feeling him clutch her tighter. "I don't know what to say Danny, I don't know what you're looking for but I'm here and I love you. I want to be your person."

"I freak when I walk into the morgue." He whispered voice harsh with emotion. "Rips my fucking guts out and I almost can't go in there." He said tears soaking into her shirt. "Feel sick, same as when I come home, I can barely be in my house, I can't breath in the hall, I keep." He stopped taking a ragged breath. "I see him, poppin out to see if I want to go toss da ball around. He was a good boy." He whispered clinging to her. She nodded waiting for him to talk more if he needed. "I'm afraid ya won't wanna have kids wit me, dat ya think I won't keep em safe." He choked out.

"Danny." She said pulling back and shaking her head. "Baby that's your fear, not mine." She said firmly. "Never mine, I would never fear that." She said brushing the tears off his cheeks. "I know, I know Danny that if you could have, you would have taken that bullet for him. There isn't nor will there ever be any doubt in my mind and if and when we have children I know you'll be a great father, I know you'll do everything in your power to keep them safe." She insisted smiling lightly when he nodded reaching up to scrub at his eyes hating his tears.

"My pop, he's fucked up." He said relaxing a little feeling a little better just talking to her. "He hated me, hates everyone and I don't like talking bout em." He admitted shaking his head. "Guess I always thought I wouldn't have kids cause I never wanted to turn out like him. What did ya mean about if and when?" He asked and she smiled.

"I want kids." She assured him and he nodded smiling.

"I never did til you." He said softly. "I never had to many dreams besides my job til you."

"Tell me your dreams?" She asked and he smiled and nodded turning on the couch and stretching out adjusting her small body to his side so he could look at her and run his fingers through her hair.

"I'm thinking we'll get married and have bout 6 kids." He said smiling as she snorted and smiled up at him. "We can talk bout the number but at least 3." He said and she nodded smiling. "Maybe we get a house, ya know something wit a yard cause you'll send da kids out to run to wear em down cause I was a hyper little bastard and my kids will probably be da same." He said and she laughed resting her hand on his chest.

"Will we have a mini van?" She asked and he looked horrified for a second.

"No." He said shaking his head running his hand down her arm. "Man when me and Lou were kids my ma used to have dis old shitty station wagon, ya know da kind wit da seat in the very back?" He asked and she nodded watching him. "She made me ride in the very back cause if I was close to Lou we'd fight and she'd take us to school and we were always right in front of the school bus, all those kids watching me sitting there like a loser."

"Bet she told you something like it would build character." Lindsay said thinking of Danny's mom.

"Dat's exactly what she said." He said chuckling. "Hey Linds?" He asked softly and she nodded. "Do ya think it would be running from my problems to move?" He asked staring at the ceiling.

"I don't know." She admitted shivering as the cool night air brushed over her bare legs. "I think if it makes you feel better it can't be bad." She said not sure what the right answer was.

"I'm just thinking I'd feel better if I didn't always have to think bout it." He said lifting up to grab the blanket off the back of the couch and tossing it over both of them feeling her shiver every so often.

"Whatever you want I'll support you." She said and he smiled bending to kiss her head.

"I dunno, feels a little less closed in wit you here." He admitted softly. "I do love ya Lindsay."

"I know." She said nodding and smiling up at him tiredly. "I love you too." She said relaxing against his chest again.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me." Danny groaned hearing his cell phone ringing.

"Oh there's mine too." She said smiling tiredly. "I'll grab em." She said crawling off of him and jogging to her coat, grabbing her cell as she grabbed Danny's off the bar in the kitchen.

"Messer." Danny said smiling as Lindsay answered her phone.

"Crap." She said hanging up several seconds later seeing a frown on Danny's face. "Mandatory overtime." She said hating the thought of putting her wet clothes back on.

"Lucky us." Danny said sitting up and rubbing his face.

"Yuck." Lindsay said making a face as she walked out of the bathroom her wet clothes sticking to her.

"Here." He said handing her his rain coat. "Ya got spare clothes at work?" He asked and she nodded frowning as he started to move his motorcycle.

"Danny it's raining." She said and he looked up nodding.

"The subway is closed." He answered and she nodded. "Wait how did ya get here, did ya walk?" He asked looking almost horrified.

"No." She said smiling sweetly. "Don't freak but I took a cab." She said and his jaw dropped.

"Lindsay." He said shaking his head.

"I had my gun." She said shrugging as she slid his rain coat on.

"Lindsay." He said grabbing her arm as she reached for the door. "Promise me dat ya won't take a cab til dis is done?" He asked. "Ya don't know dat the windows aren't bullet proof."

"That's highly unlikely." She said frowning.

"Lindsay, I can't lose ya, I am gonna need a promise." He said staring at her.

"Fine." She said stepping closer and wrapping her arms around his middle hugging him. "I promise I won't take a cab anymore."


	2. Chapter 2

Ok so I thought this story was going to be a one shot but I couldn't let it go yet. I think Danny and Lindsay have a long way to go and it's going to take some time so I couldn't just make it seem like after one talk they were fine. I don't own anything and if this isn't good I'm sorry. Please review and tell me what you think.

"Can we grab some supper?" Danny asked both he and Lindsay completely exhausted. They had been working night and day double and triple shifts for over a week to find the Cabbie Killer. Now that the case was solved he was hoping they could spend some time together. He was relieved that she seemed to be giving him a second chance and he'd promised himself he'd do everything in his power not to mess it up.

"Yeah." She said nodding lightly and following him down the busy street mind fuzzy with exhaustion and fear about where she and Danny were going. She wanted to be with him, she'd tried telling herself to let it go, to be on her own but that hadn't worked but she wasn't sure if she was ready to trust him again.

"Ya thinking pretty hard." He said staring at her as they sat at a small diner.

"Yes." She admitted nodding and looking up at him. "It's gonna take time, we can't just slip back into what we had before." She said and he nodded looking down at the table disappointment slamming into him. "I want to but I'm not sure I completely trust you anymore. I want to trust you but I'm scared now, I still want to be with you, to be there for you but I'm not ready to just pretend nothing happened." She explained softly. "It's not just about what happened with Rikki." She stated and he looked up guilt shining in his eyes confirming that it the indesgrission had indeed been with Ruben's mom. "I just have to be sure this is real this time, that we're gonna make it because losing you the last few weeks has about killed me." She said swallowing hard.

"I uh." He stopped and cleared his throat. "I want to make it right, I got no excuses I just want to make it right."

"I know." She said nodding. "We will I believe that, it just might take me some time. You know trust doesn't come easy for me and risking my heart is something I've never been willing to do before. I knew it was worth it for you, for us and I don't regret it." She said sighing. "Maybe we jumped in to fast, you know before we knew each others secrets."

"Sharing things has never been easy for me. I never needed anyone before, I prided myself on dat." He said staring into his coffee. "I need ya Lindsay, I don't say dat but I do and I'm willing to give ya time, space whatever ya need. These last few weeks have been rough wit missing ya, I didn't know how to be right wit ya again and I knew I couldn't hide wit ya. Wit anyone else I could say I was fine and almost convince myself but ya see me and it's scary." He admitted looking up at her. "I'm done wit running, with hiding and I know I can't expect ya to trust me on that but I will prove it to you." He promised and she nodded reaching across the table to squeeze his hand.

"My mom is coming down this weekend." She said changing the subject and smiling politely at the waitress as she brought the food. "I'm so excited, I've missed her so much."

"Dat's good." He said smiling at her. "So what are you guys gonna do?"

"Shop." Lindsay said smiling. "I promised her we could go shopping. What are you doing on Saturday?" She asked and he

smiled.

"Nothing." He said hope rising in his belly.

"Would you like to have supper with us?" She asked and he nodded a huge grin taking over his entire face. "I haven't made reservations yet but."

"I will." He interrupted. "I would love to take you and Grace out for supper." He said heart racing. "Besides I promised her I'd take you guys out for a fancy meal, I can't break that promise." He said smiling lightly. "We had enough broken promises, it's time I make dat right."

"Ok." She said smiling at him loving that he really acted like he wanted to try. She knew that part of the reason he pushed her away was because she knew him. She also knew that he was being honest, she could read his emotions in his eyes and he did love her, did regret what happened and she had to trust that he was going to try to trust her.

"So what's wrong baby?" Grace Monroe asked Lindsay as they sat on the couch sipping hot tea an hour after she arrived in New York. It was late on Thursday and she'd been anxious to get her daughter home and relaxed so she could figure out what had been bothering her the last few times she'd called. "Tell me." She whispered hating to see her youngest in pain.

"Danny and I have been having problems." Lindsay admitted knowing that she needed to talk to her mom about it. Grace was intuitive and strong and Lindsay never kept things from her mom. They had always been close and Grace didn't pull punches, she always told Lindsay the truth even if it might hurt a little. "He was really close with this little boy that lived a few doors down." She said swallowing hard. "They played catch, basically Danny was a stand in father, did the dad kinds of things with him." She said and Grace nodded slightly. "Danny took Ruben to get his bike blessed, there was a shooting and Ruben was riding his bike and when Danny heard the gun shots he sent Ruben home, it was just a few blocks." She said closing her eyes hurting all over again for him. "Ruben was shot, he made it almost a block before he bled out and died. Danny didn't find out until he was in the morgue with Mac, he said Ruben laying on the table."

"Oh my god." Grace whispered blinking back tears.

"Yeah." Lindsay whispered. "It nearly destroyed him, he pushed me away, pushed everyone away. He wouldn't talk to me, not that I had any idea what to say to him but I couldn't say anything. Ruben's mom Rikki, he let her in." She said blinking back tears. "I finally confronted him 2 weeks ago, I told him I was in love with him and that I had to let that go." She whispered swiping at the tears that she couldn't stop. "He apologized, tried to get me to talk to him and I finally did. I told him we could move forward that I forgave him but that he had to trust me but momma." She choked out. "I don't know if I can."

"Baby." Grace whispered moving over and hugging her rubbing her back gently as Lindsay cried.

"I never came out and asked what happened with him and her." She said a few minutes later. "I knew something happened and I stopped him before he could tell me and I want to forget that it happened, he didn't deny it and I know he loves me, I believe him momma but I don't know if I can let it go. Is it ok to let it go, I mean he slept with another woman." She said brown eyes bright with pain.

"I hate that it happened." Grace said kind brown eyes staring into Lindsay's. "Everyone handles pain differently." She said and Lindsay nodded sniffling. "You're afraid that he'll run to another woman the next time something bad happened?"

"Yes." Lindsay admitted.

"I believe that sometimes shit happens." Grace said softly. "I think maybe this was what he needed at the time and maybe his going to her made him realize what he had in you."

"He admitted that he wasn't sure about us before, not completely but that now he is sure." Lindsay said staring at her hands. "It just hurts momma, that he couldn't come to me and went to a stranger. I can't stop thinking about what they did, where, how, was the sex good, was it like what we have?" She asked closing her eyes hot tears sliding down her cheeks.

"Lindsay." Grace said firmly tilting her chin up. "He made his choice, he loves you and I know it has to be hard but if you're going to move forward you have to forgive him. I generally don't say you forget things but baby you have to let this go if you guys are going to have a fighting chance. You have to trust what you have, I know it's special." She whispered tucking a strand of hair behind Lindsay's ear. "If you let it, his mistake will tear you apart and no matter how hard you guys work on your relationship she will always be between you. You have to let it go, I can't imagine how hard that is but baby he chose you." She said and Lindsay nodded knowing she was right. "We all make mistakes, grief clouds your judgement you don't need me to tell you that. When your friends died I tried everything to reach you, you just wanted to be alone in your pain. You drank, I know you had sex with people I just." She stopped cringing. "You abused your body so that you could think about anything other than the pain. I felt betrayed, in a way I felt like you cheated on me, emotionally we'd always been close, always and it nearly killed me not to be able to reach you." She said voice cracking with emotion. "It's not completely the same but I told your dad that you were hurting, he was mad so mad because you wouldn't let us in but I told him I was going to wait, that someday you'd come back to me. When you did, part of me wanted to punish you, I was so angry that you'd made the wrong choices. Instead of pushing you away I held you, I held you praying that I wouldn't wake up the next day to find you back to avoiding me, back to hanging out with random men that you could hide with and I felt that way every day." She whispered. "I had to learn to trust you again, to know you again and I never regretted it. A mothers love is different I know but love is the same and Lindsay I know you love him and I know you, I know you understand his pain so I want you to think long and hard about this. If you can't let it go, if you can't let the relationship move past his indisgression than I think you should let him go, don't hold onto it if it's not right."

"I'm so sorry I hurt you momma." She whispered seeing the pain in her mom's eyes.

"I'm not." Grace whispered cupping her face. "The things we go through make us the people we're meant to be and I'm so proud of you." She whispered. "So proud of the woman you are. You're so brave and strong."

"I don't feel brave or strong." Lindsay said laying down putting her head on her mom's lap. "He makes me better momma and I don't want to lose him, I want to let it go."

"It's gonna be a conscious decision, it won't come naturally."

"I have to let it go." Lindsay whispered closing her eyes as her mom gently rubbed her back.

"You have to let it go." Grace whispered nodding and closing her eyes hating that her baby was in pain.


End file.
